Today I discovered that the lump I thought was just another cyst is in fact cancerous. When I went to get the results for the biopsy, I had absolutely no worries about what I was about to hear. Things like that only happen to other people. So when the surgeon started her blah and got to the “and as I suspected it is cancerous”, I blanked for a sec. Say what? I have breast cancer? No, that’s not possible. She went on to tell me about the expected treatment and the fact that we were lucky: it’s small, we caught early and I am young ; meanwhile all that was going through my brain was the numbing sentence “I have cancer”. I nodded my head at the appropriate places and I even smiled, trying to make light of it. Then she sent me to the specialised nurse. I had to wait a bit, alone in special room. They are used to these things really and that sentence was still going round and round in my head: you have cancer.
The nurse was sweet, I thought I was strong but as soon as she said “that’s not what you expected to hear is it?” I felt the tears well up. No, it is most definitely not what I expected when I came in. I thought I’d be back at work within the hour tops and I was ther, my hand held by a stranger telling me that it was ok.
All I can think about is that it is not fair, my life was getting back on track with the new job and the plans to buy a flat. I was even looking to plan my next holiday soon – to Costa Rica – and now I am wondering how i am going to tell my family. “Hi, how is grandad? By the way, I have breast cancer” seems  a bit callous.
So I focus on the actual details of what next. I have to get a blood test so I can get an MRI asap so they can be super sure that my cancer is only 2cm wide and very localised. If it is as they have seen, then they will just take it out, like they did for the lump on my shoulder. It will be a day surgery and then I will have to have radiotherapy. What scares me the most is the possibility that I might need chemotherapy. They haven’t ruled it out yet but I supposed one thing at a time.
Whilst I was waiting to go through for my blood test, I called my closest friends: CH and CN. For the first time since I have known them, neither we’re available at the time. Typical. I called my colleague to let her know I wasn’t going to come back to work today…she of course guessed that all wasn’t ok as she knew what I was getting results for and the fact that it was already quite late had given her a hint that all wasn’t hunky dory.
CH called me back as I was walking out of the hospital and I don’t think she was expecting that either. She just had a baby in that same hospital.
It was hard at first to talk to her without feeling that I w going to cry. I am glad I called her though as just the fact of going through what I had been told calmed me down.
Once I got home, CH called me back. Her first words were “did you get your results?” and the silence that greeted my response when I said “yes and it is not good news” was overwhelming. And I found myself having to say it again “I have breast cancer”. I wonder if it makes it less scary if sayit often enough.
We talked a while and I even laughed a few times. It made me feel better. I feel truly blessed for the friends that I have. TN, CN’s boyfriend called me later and basically told me that he and CN would come with me to my future appointments. That I was family to them and that they wanted to be there to support me and hold my hand. I nearly choked again. I love living alone and I don’t mind having my family far enough so they can’t interfere with my life but news like make you wish they were there as normally no one ever cares as much as your family…luckily that is not the case for me. I have amazing friends.
Tomorrow, I go back to work as if nothing happened, although I know that I will have to talk about it…first with my boss as this will affect my attendance and with the girls who knew that I had a biopsy and was waiting for results…will it make it better or worse I don’t know.

Advertisements