So last time, I told you how much people admired my positivity and the way I handled things.
Yesterday, I didn’t things so well… Yesterday was results day. I went in, again expecting to hear that this time the MRI just confirmed what they expected and that we could move on with the plans for surgery etc. Instead I was told that my lump is in fact bigger than anticipated and that they had noticed a couple others in my other breast and that one of my nodes (under the armpit) was also a bit enlarged which could be a sign that it had spread….Floored. What next? But this is just preliminary results as they hadn’t had a chance to examine the MRI in details.
Next step? Well I got poked and proded a little more as they managed to squeeze me in for another ultrasound so they could check out those other lumps and got myself 2 more biopsies (well 6 really as they took 3 samples of each suspicious lumps). The half good news (although I am taking everything with a pinch of salt now) is that the radiologist didn’t think they were actual cancerous lumps just the usual cystic lumps – the sample will tell but lately none of the tests I have had have come back with the expected good news so I am not keeping my hopes up on that one.
It is now guaranteed that I will have chemotherapy and they are planning to start me with it (instead of starting with surgery) so it potentially shrinks the lump so the cosmetic effects are minimised. Apparently the order in which it’s done won’t affect my chances either way. However, from what the surgeon said, this can go one of 2 ways:
Outcome 1: chemo works a charm and shrinks the lump to under 2cm and I get small day surgery and end up with only a small whole in my chest.
Outcome 2: chemo works but instead of shrinking the lump, it drills holes in it turning it into swiss cheese so reducing the effective amount but not the size and therefore they will still have to take a big chunk out and I’ll end up with a bigger hole in my chest.
In both cases, I will experience the potential “fun” side effects of chemo which include hair loss (all of them), nausea/vomitting, chronic fatigue and last but not least sterility.
So I let myself be poked and prodded with a smile yesterday, then I went to the pub with my friends CN and TN who have been fantastically supportive.
I had to text, whatsapp 20,000 people who kept enquiring about the results – of course it wasn’t actually 20,000 people but it was too many times having to repeat the same mixed news. Everybody wanting to either volunteer to look after me or call me. I fobbed them off. I just couldn’t face having to repeat over the phone what I had told them via text. I went home and loaded episodes of The Big Bang Theory and forgot my worries for a while whilst I watch Sheldon make a fool of himself and Leonard still try to impress Penny.
I decided to turn in a little earlier and whilst I was washing my face of makeup, I broke down. It suddenly hit me and it felt so unfair and I just cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. I am angry at the situation but not at the world. I feel that I have always been a good person, taking care of myself and others when need be, hard working, reliable and trustworthy, a good friend…and it feels like a punishment. I am an atheist so I don’t believe I am being tested by some super-powerful god. This sucks big time and I know there is no reasons why I got this but it still seems so fucking unfair. And the uncertainty of it all is making it worse.