One thing that I definitely find really difficult is the waiting around whilst the specialist team decides the best course of action for my treatment. I was diagnosed 2 and a half weeks ago and I have to wait until Wednesday to know for sure…saying that, I was supposed to know for sure last Thursday but ended up being poked at some more. I know that in the grand scheme of things 2 weeks is not that much but when a) you have someone like me who lacks patience and b) everybody is constantly asking you what’s the verdict, it gets old quickly.
I am also struggling with the fact that all the appointments are often booked in the middle of the day over several days. I have had to reschedule my appointment with the fertility consultant because they picked a date and time that would have meant I would have to lose at least 2 days work. My boss is pretty compassionate and accommodating – I think the law makes you but I also think she is naturally understanding – however, it stresses me and makes me feel guilty as I have only just started working there. Everybody tells me I shouldn’t feel that way as my health is more important but people forget that work has always been my one constant – except for when I was made redundant 2 years ago. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have kids…my personal life is not that filled so work is the centre of my life. It keeps me sharp and interested and it is where I tend to do most of my socialising as I like my weekend to be quiet. I like working and being considered a good, reliable worker. I like that people trust me and rely on me for things. It makes me happy…if you take that away, I haven’t got much left.
I have also decided to concentrate on learning the writing craft. Not to improve my blogging, although it probably won’t hurt but because being told you have a life threatening condition – even one that has the highest rate of recovery and survival – makes you reevaluate the things you want to do. I have started my bucket list as although I am sure I will beat this thing, it reminded me that nobody has all the time in the world. We all have an expiry date and sometimes it comes quicker than we expect so no points in delaying things you want to do!